I haven’t quite gotten back into the groove of blogging, as you can see – Most of my updates are in short bursts via Twitter, because it’s much like “bullet pointing” and I like the challenge of forcing my thoughts into a SUCCINCT format – being an otherwise naturally VERBOSE person … *coughcough*
So I will share a couple of my latest tweets, again, here, but with a LITTLE bit of commentary attached:
- Ur spouse is not ur be all & end all; u SHARE life, u BUILD life together. Nurture ur own gifts/interests so u HAVE something 2share!
- Better the couple who MISS each other from time2time than the couple who is bored with – or worse, loathe each other. Hv strong friendships.
- Each spouse shd hv their own friends, but they must “keep the foxes out of the vineyard.” Agree on boundaries w/others “outside” &KEEP them.
It is so tempting to view your “significant other” as the WHOLE of your existence – we want to get lost in the other person, we want to set our lives in orbit around them, and love songs since forever have praised these passions as though they are the hallmark of true love. I do actually beg to differ – in fact, I suspect the ferocity of my emotion might just mean I’m making you the object of my obsession, of my “worship,” putting you in the place of expecting you to meet all my emotional needs, etc. These expectations unchecked will DESTROY the very person meant to be Beloved!
In the blaze of any given moment, these depths of emotion can be INTOXICATING, oh I know! When you love the other person SO intensely that you want to feel every fiber of their being wrapped up in your own; like there is no way you can physically be close enough, so you press into each other, you want to spend every waking minute with each other – to the falling away of all other life responsibilities and interests and tasks, etc. May I humbly suggest – there is a point at which you can make the other person almost like your drug-of-choice; you want to feel those emotions all the time .. to the despising of all other kinds of “emotions” or life pursuits.
Sometimes distance will separate, sometimes life responsibilities will require your focus, sometimes your Beloved WILL “fail” to “meet your needs” and you will fail to meet his/hers. None of these things need derail the confidence of love’s genuineness. Recent circumstances in my world have caused me to revisit this truth – If we are each about our own “business” – if we are each being faithful with God’s calling on our lives, in any given moment, it is not inconceivable that we will have seasons where we are kept from being with each other as we would like. This need not be a death knell to the relationship – MISSING one another, LONGING for one another – it’s an opportunity to reevaluate whether our affections and expectations have gotten jostled out of balance, and to ask myself “Am I seeking more to be ‘served’ than to ‘serve’? to BE ‘loved’ more than to ‘love’?”
“But he’s not meeting my emotional needs! He doesn’t love me anymore! He doesn’t love me enough! IF he loved me, he’d … [fill in the blank] …”
Oh, sweetheart, if you feel greater NEED to be loved, that’s often when you most need to reach out and SHOW love. Call a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Sign up to sing with the church worship team this month. Work in the nursery. Pick up a project you’ve been neglecting for the past few months. Ask your Beloved how you can encourage and help him/her, see if there is something you can do to meet HIS/HER “emotional need” and do so without the expectation of reciprocation.
And when you feel heartsick over missing him, remind yourself – It truly IS better to be missing one another, because you haven’t been able to spend the time with one another that you wish, than to otherwise resent one another for being too [emotionally] demanding, or to be bored with one another because you don’t each have your own life tasks and friendships to SHARE with one another when you come together once again.
.. and I’ll be a fly on my own wall. ❤
Continuation of thoughts from previous post:
….It is a battle no one but God knows you’re fighting. And possibly no other human will ever value, because they view you as foolish….You’re the butt of nearly every joke!
Yet it’s one battle more intimately tied to your walk w/God than perhaps any other, because our “sexuality” is a proclamation of the very nature of God himself….
So you keep turning away from TV, billboards, conversations, checkout lanes, commercials, books, movies, even friends….maybe even family. Without any “praise,” but the Proverbs 31 woman (as an example to me) does GOOD to her husband and not harm, ALL the days of her life. Even before she has met him.
And if she never meets him? She has honored God with her body; and tended the garden of her heart and mind….
I remind myself it is not a Lonely thing if the garden is the Lord’s.
It is so tempting to despair of sexual purity in this culture of pornographic, animalistic reductionism which gives sex value only as it pertains to parts and bits and physical pleasure divorced from any genuine Love or self-sacrifice.
Masculinity and femininity are reduced to lines and curves and textures, to heat and wetness and odor….These things pervade even the most innocuous aspects of our “Entertainment” so anyone striving for purity is nevertheless infected. And any sense of the Sacred feels completely lost.
How do we get back from the place where sex is our god? How do we rescue our marriages? How can anyone compete with the allure of self-exaltation and no consequences….how can purity ever be seen as beautiful again? how can the tainted ever be made pure again?
Our best wine has been mingled with blood.
God, please save us from ourselves!
I was scoffed at, recently, by a guy friend after I noticed a porn DVD sitting out on his DVD player. He made no move to cover it so I wouldn’t have to look at it; he laughed at me for believing there might be men who really would strive to live pure lives. He asked what I was gonna do when I find my boyfriend’s or husband’s stash, as if it was a given.
…I grew up the daughter of a godly man who wasn’t perfect, sure, but in this area, he went out of his way to avoid even underwear commercials on TV and the magazine row of grocery checkout aisles. Pre internet, pre VCR or DVD players in our home….yes, I believe it’s possible.
Rare, but possible!!
My friend? Says I’ll be proved wrong; that it’s normal behavior….for him and the men in his life, I don’t doubt it. I don’t doubt it for most of the women in his world for that matter….and I admire (!) men and women who aspire to purity in our sex-crazed culture. Not easy at all! But here was this DVD, covered w/headless young girls’ bodies….Thank God my friend is not a dad! How can a man not ruin his pure love for his own children if he’s filling his mind’s eye with other men’s children to fulfill his sexual fantasies?
Is my friend right? There is no such thing as victory in this area of ubiquitous temptation? How to guard against it? Moreover, how does a person exercise grace and forgiveness toward their spouse (maybe even the spouse they don’t yet know) while still encouraging them to strive for “holiness” – which, btw, is NOT the same thing as pruddishness, rather is “setting apart” intimacy for the context for which it was made, between only a husband and wife….
Mark Driscoll’s “Real Marriage” series is helpful in exploring this further, as well as his “Peasant Princess” series from a few years ago…..why rant on FB (and now on this blog) in the middle of the night about all this? I’m … disillusioned and saddened and tempted and horrified and … maybe just a little bit afraid my friend is right to scoff at my naivety. So, I choose to
cling to grace, instead. ….
After all, there was a Joseph recorded in Genesis (see Ch.39, and esp. v. 9) who ran from blatant temptation, seeing it for what it was, a sin against God. Not just his own body, or the woman attempting to seduce him, and not just her husband! but God.
Would that I would be so aware of and quick to flee my temptations for Christ’s sake!!