How Deep the Well?
Some days I don’t know how I’m still alive. Others, it’s all I can do to press forward.
It’s not that anything remarkable has happened. Maybe it’s that I was expecting something “remarkable” and NOTHING happened.
My “every day” is rife with trying (striving?) to be “normal” — in work, in wedded bliss, in household management, in the aftermath of what’s devolved in my FOO (“family of origin”) and the whole child-becoming-adult thing that STILL evades me, though I’m now undeniably in my 40’s ..
I am aware of too much, and not enough.
I love a now long-distance friend who is losing (may have already lost?) her beloved husband to cancer, in so very much the same way I lost a [[FOO] forcibly estranged] cousin who by ALL rights (natural law? youth and vigor and health, IN HIS FAVOR?!) should never have been afflicted .. ?!
I am squeezing in a few random, barely captured moments of my current political convictions with respect to the news, and find myself frustrated and disappointed and relieved all at once. Hm. 😦
We are – my husband and I – on the precipice of making MAJOR positive changes in something that has literally stalked us for the past two years, but it haunts and devastates as much as it provides hope .. and we live every day with the consequences of the damage, so any victory may be nothing but a wisp .. ? And may be no “victory” at all in the end. .. (How to balance desire for justice and the expectation that none will come this side of Heaven?)
*sigh* I’ve possibly offended a very dear friend into silence because of my inability to manage relationships with any sense of decorum, and she’s not the first .. [cue self-loathing, doubts, second-guessing, over-analyzing, chastising for all the ways my “social” ways are “broken” compared to everyone else…]
My health has been compromised with multiple surgeries over the past few years, resulting in chronic pain and attendant consequences that seem insurmountable. My job has proven a myriad of stressful challenges that – while larely IMPROVING – have nevertheless taken a devastating toll on my psyche and stamina, and our present debt load (in large part directly associated with the aforementioned “stalking”) is always ONE trip to the grocery store or mechanic away from collapsing us. ..
So far .. or .. TODAY? .. I can say, the LORD is our Provider, no matter what any other thing or so-and-so may say.
So far .. or .. TODAY? .. I can say perhaps ONLY that “I know who holds tomorrow” and that is my hope, but we MUST cling to Him.
So far .. or .. TODAY? .. All I know is that there will always be some measure of “pretense” or mere “pleasantry” that I must endure, but I must not let that destroy our pressing forward.
So far .. or .. TODAY? .. I will STILL always prefer the “honest” and “the real” over the hallmark fake, despite the pain of it.
So far .. or .. TODAY? .. Depression is as much a monster as the very real demons we seek to exorcise as the very real and absolutely MEANINGLESS monotony of day to day to paycheck to weight gain to missing children in our world to watching Beloved ones die to fighting always for “The Man” to acknowledge how MY (or our) efforts have ONCE AGAIN delivered “him” from the Fire of No Return. ..
So far .. or .. TODAY? .. I MUST rejoice. Not from any place of falsity, but from “speaking what is not as though it is” .. from KNOWING Whom I have believed, and being PERSUADED that HE is able to KEEP that which I have committed unto Him against That Day.
.. All while “feeling” helpless .. and yet not “helpless” enough apparently (what am I trying to prove?!), as I still “feel” I MUST accomplish some THING that remains tauntingly beyond my grasp.
.. How do I PRAY? How do I HOPE? How do I hold on to FAITH?
Such “emotion” (or “emoting” if you prefer) would have garnered me much discipline, back in the day. I was the “defiant” one, and I was told repeatedly, “I don’t care what you FEEL, I care what you THINK!” and so I battled most of my life with understanding my own emotions, always elusive and seemingly unable to TOUCH let alone UNDERSTNAD them .. while “feeling” VERY (too?) deeply, and DESPISING this aspect of my person.
But .. I do not write this for self-indulgence. I did not “journal” in such a way in years past for mere “self-indulgence” despite accusations – including my own condemning of myself.
Rather. There was a real “desperation” to my lost-ness .. and I still live with it.
But, I CHOOSE to at least aspire to follow the example of at least one who was FAR more devastated than I. (If for no other reason than I must “learn” to adapt to such devastations BEFORE I am incapable of again climbing out of the hole.) ..
So I again “COMMAND” my heart and soul to HOPE IN GOD.
In much the way that the beloved Martyn-LLoyd Jones talked about “spiritual depression” as a condition NOT in which we “talked” to ourselves too much, but LISTENTENED to ourselves too much ..
And I find myself again in Psalm 42 ..
Due to laptop limitations (not a private machine), and website “filtering” – I am not allowed to “paste” here! But please allow me to LINK to the passage! ..
Please CLICK HERE, and turn your eyes upon Jesus, and be blessed.