BRAVING Trust Connections ~ Brené Brown
I recently watched an online talk with Brené Brown regarding building TRUST.
For my own sake (and by extension, yours), I am copying my notes from the brief but densely packed 25 minute presentation, here [with apologies for hard-to-read formatting – I don’t know how to get wordpress to “fix” the spacing issues on this one]:
GREAT example: her daughter’s teacher using a “marble jar” to represent good decisions/bad decisions – increasing this number to the point of a cumulative celebration when the jar is full. Q: Do you have any “marble jar” friends? (Trust BUILT over time through a series of trust MOMENTS.)
a good df of “trust” – choosing to make something [that’s] important to you VULNERABLE to the actions of someone else. [distrust – what I have shared with you – which is important to me! – is not SAFE with you.]
BRAVING acronym (“braving” connection with someone):
B = Boundaries – I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and hold them, and you’re clear about my boundaries, and you respect them.
R = Reliability – You do what you say you’re going to do – and not just “once” – over and over and over again. [Seizing opportunity to show care – By contrast, moments we choose to ignore/avoid can be interpreted as “betrayal.”]
A = Accountability – I can only trust you IF, when you make a mistake, you’re willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. And when I make a mistake, I am allowed to own it, apologize, and make amends.
V = [the] Vault – What I share with you, you will HOLD in CONFIDENCE. What you share with me, I will hold in confidence. Here’s where we lose trust with people: Gossip – you have just shared with me something that was not yours to share! We “gossip” as a way to hotwire connection with each other – but our closeness is built on talking bad about other people – “common enemy” intimacy – it’s counterfeit trust! That’s not real! Respect MY story, that it’s MY story.
I = Integrity – 1) Choosing courage over comfort, 2) Choosing what’s right over what’s fast/fun/easy, 3) Practicing your values, not just professing your values.
N = Non-judgment – I can fall apart and be in struggle and ask for help without being judged by you; and you can fall apart and be in struggle and ask for help without being judged by me. If you cannot ask for help, and you cannot reciprocate that, that is not a trusting relationship. And you cannot “not judge” others for asking for help if you’re judging yourself for asking for help. “Helping” but with judgment is NOT trust. You’re just getting “value” from being the helper in the relationship, and that’s counterfeit!
G = Generosity [cf: 1 Cor 13 love always believes the best] – Real trust presumes the most GENEROUS thing about my words/intentions/behaviors and then checks it with me. So if I screw up, say something, forget something – make a generous assumption.
This is the anatomy of trust, and it’s complex.
“I don’t trust you!” What do you mean you don’t trust me? [defensive]
Be willing to say – here’s what’s not working .. we have a [boundaries/reliability/vault…] issue.
CRITICAL: This “braving” acronym works with self-trust, too. (Did I honor my own boundaries? Am I reliable? Can I hold myself accountable? Did I give MYSELF the benefit of the doubt?)
“I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves but SAY ‘I love you.'” M. Angelou
The thing to examine first is your own marble jar – how do you treat yourself? You can’t GIVE to someone else something you don’t believe you, yourself, are “worthy” of receiving.